Friday, September 18, 2009

The Flash

Okay, like I said I would, this is the time I got flashed.

So I'm 12 years old and I've been walking to school for about a month. A new school got built nearby and I was aching for a chance to sleep in instead of catching the bus. My mom was pro exercise, responsibility and such so off I'd go, later and later each day. Sleeping in was bitchin'.

To get there, I had to leave my subdivision and enter the one adjacent, where the school was built. There was this beautiful walkway, tree-lined, gravel path, winding and turning, with lights built in for evening strolls. It was about a five-minute walk and a nice way to start the day.

So I'm walking through this path and I see a crouched figure in the brush. At first I think it's a kid. Nope. Then I see he's kind of shaking. Then I see he's definitely an adult. Then he stands up and I see the first erect penis I've ever encountered. Being 12 doesn't seem to guarantee such innocence these days, but back in the ancient times of 1995, it was pretty much a given that I was seeing something new.

I once heard how the natives couldn't see Columbus' ships because their eyes had no basis for understanding what they were looking at. Same deal. I stared at this protruding thing that looked like a fat, over-boiled hotdog and tried to figure it out. I really didn't know. Apart from being an innocent 12, I also attended Catholic school and this is not the sort of detail either my mom or my teachers ever revealed: that penises could look this weird and ridiculous.

So the man gets affronted, imagine that, and asks me what my problem was. Hadn't I ever seen a thing stick up before? It was an interesting question to ask an elementary school girl. I really hadn't ever seen anything like it. Which reminds me of the time I was 15 and babysitting a toddler and a passing woman asked me if he was mine. I mean, seriously.

Moving on, I ran like the wind. Adrenaline pumping, mind racing. "I just saw a penis! A PENIS!" I walked the rest of the way to school and this girl in my class rode by on her bike and told me I looked like I'd seen a ghost. No, not a ghost, I replied, a penis. A PENIS!

So she dragged my sorry ass to the office where I had to relate the whole thing, about the penis, the comment about the penis, how I ran from the penis.

So of course they call my mom and she cries. The girl cried, because the man had apparently said hi to her. Everyone was upset I'd seen a penis. They called the police. The police wanted a description of the man. And this of course was impossible because I spent all my time staring at his penis.

Long story short, there was a to-do throughout the school, memos were sent home, I rode the bus to school from then on, and my beloved path was cleared of all the trees so no more penis perverts could hide in them.

I was sad to move away from that neighbourhood, but I sure did make my mark on the scenery. Bummer.

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