Slow Goodbye

My milk is nearly all dried up now. There's still a bit left. Every time my breasts filled up (Taking much longer each time), I would feed Jack rather than let it go wherever milk goes when it doesn't get consumed. Seemed wasteful not to. So it's been a very slow process, but completely pain-free in its slowness and also it's giving me a chance to let go slowly.

My low milk supply, unfortunately, didn't allow me to keep the morning feed very well. At first I had plenty for one good feed, but slowly it decreased until it was nothing more than a snack. Apparently my normal output is a pittance. I'd had an inkling that all the pumping I did all day was necessary to have a good supply in the morning, giving my breasts a good eight hours to fill after a day of being emptied of their meagre offerings every 2-3 hours.

Well, I was right. Jack's feeds got shorter and shorter until he was no longer consuming enough to lull him back to sleep. It was a mere appetizer and nothing more. And since continuing to lactate has had some undesirable symptoms for me, I decided that the tiny amount he was getting was just not worth it.

Oh, a lactivist might tell me it's "liquid gold," but I really don't think it is, not in such tiny amounts. I can't see that it's so wildly superior to formula that several millilitres will do any real good, especially not at the cost of my physical comfort.

My teeth were getting sensitive. When I stopped pumping, it improved and when I stopped the morning feed, it mostly went away. I found other women online who experienced this, so I know I'm not alone. Having a decent sex life has been proving challenging. My body has not responded well to the hormones, and even hormone replacements haven't improved my situation much.

I have no idea why my body has been so adverse to breastfeeding. But it's slowly ending. I may have already done my last feed.

It's a hard thing for me. It's pleasant to nurse my baby. If I'd had enough milk to feed Jack each and every time, even if I needed to take meds and herbs, it would have been meaningful for us both. I still hurt sometimes when I think of the loss. Though when I see his excited little face when he sees his bottle-- his mouth makes this O shape and his eyes light up-- I feel at peace with this outcome. He never showed nearly as much enthusiasm for my breast and my milk as he has for formula in a bottle.

And speaking of which, it's bed time. But I have to wash the bottles before I go to sleep.

No More Nursing: Day Five

I feel a number of things about nursing and my journey with it. I've been wondering what caused my issues. When it came to the delayed milk, was it the lengthy exhausting induction? The C section? My uterine infection? The separation from Jack while I was in the hospital? Did my hives signal a bad reaction to breastfeeding?

I think I may have actually been doomed from the start. When I was pregnant, my breasts barely changed. Oh, at first they got tender, but my large A cup only went up to a mid-sized B. This is a minor increase. And what I've been discovering, from extensive reading, this can signal a forthcoming production problem. I never became engorged. When my milk arrived, it only trickled in. I thought it was the result of health issues. But the lack of breast changes may actually have been the issue all along. I can't know for sure, but it's another consideration, and one that gives me strange comfort.

My body just plain screwed me, is all. And it's not the first time. I had four ear infections in my first year of life, then tonsillitis. Double pneumonia in childhood, followed my two bouts of kidney stones in my teens. In my early 20s I was treated to appendicitis and I developed IBS. My body simply does not give a shit, so I sort of wasn't shocked my body wouldn't go into labour. I mean, I was, but I can believe it. I had a nagging feeling it wouldn't happen around 42 weeks.

But I never doubted my ability to breastfeed. Pfft. Stupid me. Lactivists will tell you low supply is rare, that any woman can do it.

But I call shenanigans. My eyes don't need glasses, my pancreas produces all the insulin I need, my blood clots and my kidneys don't require dialysis. However, these bodily woes exist because the human body is not infallible. Why then believe the breast is perfect? Oh, when it works, it is. The perfect baby food.

But here's the thing: nature gives zero fucks about you. It is indiscriminate, it does not care. It will weed out the population at random, with no rhyme or reason, no matter how decent a person someone is, how much they're needed or loved, or how hard they try.

I was born in 1982 with access to modern medicine, born of a C section, myself. My body has nearly died a couple times now, but thanks to modern medicine I was treated unceremoniously and easily.

I can't feed my baby. Thank God he was born in 2013, where he could be born safely and be fed something nutritious when his mother's milk didn't come. And as for me, and all my health issues I've had? Actually, I was breastfed. You can't breastfeed a baby to a life of good health. Like so much else, it's luck of the draw.

I'm enjoying my maternity leave a lot more now, and I'm really starting to bond with my son. I hadn't realized just how much of a barrier that pump put between us. I was prioritizing bottled breast milk over our relationship.

Jack's started to grab things and he's giggling. He's sitting up with assistance and he's able to entertain himself for a little while at a time. My son is so amazing. He's very bright and a great little baby. I'm so lucky to have him.

No More Nursing: Day Three

Engorgement is painful.  And my breasts look pornographic at the end of the day. That large, firm, full look? Nailed it. I'm usually an A cup and now at my fullest I'm a C. I don't much care for the look; it's almost too ridiculous. I had to "milk" myself last night to relieve some of the pressure and the longest stream of milk shot into the sink. I wore a night nursing bra with the pads to absorb the leaking, and still managed to have a rough night's sleep.

It's now the evening and I'm not engorged like I was last night. It seems like I'll be able to keep the morning feed, and I feel very gratified by that. Hopefully I don't develop low milk supply for that time of day like I've had throughout this past three months. Otherwise I'll just have to give up nursing entirely.

This was also my first day alone with Jack and not pumping. I had time to do things. Rather than sit for 20 minutes every two hours trying to squeeze out that extra half an ounce, I can do useful things around the house or enjoy Jack or have some personal time. I also can wear a lot more of my clothes, no longer needing things that offer boob access.

When you combination feed (Offering formula and pumped breast milk) you're literally having the worst of both worlds.

Cons of breastfeeding:
Annoying and often ugly nursing clothes
Takes a lot of time out of your day where you can't do anything else
Often coated in breast milk
Carrying around a little extra weight

Cons of formula feeding:
Costs money
You can feel guilty
Others sometimes shame you
You have to wash the bottles

And you get little of the benefits. Breastfeeding gives you free food, no dishes, and optimal nutrition. Formula gives you freedom from your baby and your wardrobe back. Pumping and supplementing offers you none of these things.

I'm feeling more and more comfortable with my choice. Screw you, pump.