42

Still. Pregnant.

I hit 42 weeks yesterday. I have little humour left to share about it. Calls and texts and emails abound from people who love us and I no longer want any of them. 

Yes, I've heard of that method of induction. I don't care what suggestion you have. I've heard of it, and I've either tried it and it didn't work or I think it's silly and have disregarded it as an option. Last night I attempted acupuncture. Seeing as I'm still in this state, I'm guessing it didn't work.

I've also tried sex (which hurts, for the record. I'm too big and nothing feels good), spicy food, herbs and supplements, walking, meditation--

Just got a phone call from someone I talked to a month ago about RESPs. 

"Still pregnant."
"Oh, awesome!"
"Not really."
"..."

I can't escape this.

I went in for an ultrasound and the technician could have been kinder. I laid there on my back, aching from the pressure and strain and tried to support my lower back with one hand, my head with the other (So my acid reflux wouldn't act up and make me vomit) and I coughed. "Could you cover your mouth?" Yeah. I know it's bad to not cover a cough, but my body was screaming at me to deal with the increasing discomfort, burgeoning on pain. She never tried to help me up and seemed mildly confused about my inability to move with ease.

And then I got sent up for a non-stress test again. Apparently a low heart rate. But when I got there and was tested, the heart rate wasn't low. Low end of normal, yes, but not low. And then I ate a cookie and there was all sorts of activity. 

My midwife came and was reassuring. She had to talk to an OB about me, as I'd hit 42 weeks and there are laws governing these things. 

The OB came in and more or less told me I was risking baby's life by not inducing today. She applied tons of pressure and eventually I couldn't look at her. I knew in my gut she was wrong. Baby was kicking, with a strong heartbeat and I felt fine. Totally over being pregnant, yes, but healthful. But there  she was, reaffirming all the reasons I avoided obstetric care in the first place.

She suggested I do various invasive hospital induction techniques that I knew I couldn't mentally handle. And by "mentally handle", I mean experience a fight or flight response wherein I will freak out and likely kick the doctor involuntarily. I don't care to go into why I'm like this, only that I am. This is not something I can suck up and handle. My primal self will fly off the rail. I tried to explain the impossibility of this and it fell on deaf ears.

My midwife talked to the doctor privately without me and when she came back let me know the doctor was not alarmed by my data, that everything looked good. It was just the fact I was 42 weeks along and everything wasn't exactly perfect. The numbers of certain things, things that were never recorded even a handful of years ago, were off by fractions. And for that this OB had me sobbing in the hospital room. I had to sign a waiver stating that she had informed me of my risks and that she was off the hook.

Now I'm home and feeling drained, discouraged and otherwise unhappy. Do I think baby will come when the time is right? Yes. Do I have faith in myself? Yes. Does it make this any easier to bear? No. No, it doesn't.