Plunge

Oh my God, it's almost here (Or at least it had better be almost here). I'm a few days from being 39 weeks along, I'm measuring at 39 cm (My uterus, that is) and the baby is so far lodged into my pelvis that I question if I'm going into labour every time it moves. And I didn't know it was normal to feel menstrual-like cramping in the last month. Oh yes. And there's dick-all you can do about it.

So, occasionally, I simultaneously experience Braxton hicks (Uterus tightening in practice for labour. Non-painful, unless the baby kicks), the baby kicking (mm-hmm) and cramping. Even a woman who loves pregnancy would have to get fed up with this tomfoolery. I don't even have room in my mind to be nervous about birth. I just want this kid out.

The midwife came for a home visit today, which was nice. It made my impending delivery more real as she was going through the house, casing the joint as it were, determining its fitness for a home birth. Our apartment passed, which was nice. I was sure it would, but sometimes I feel unsure about my home. I'm happy here and it's got a yard and is off the subway, but it's a poorly renovated 100-year-old house. If critters aren't getting into the roof, water is leaking under the stairs or the appliances are breaking. Oh, Toronto. And this place is something of a steal at $1275.

I've applied for EI for the first time ever and being off work for the week has been interesting. And by interesting I mean boring and relaxing at the same time. I'm trying to soak in the lack of things to do because soon I will never be without something to do for years and years. I should really leave the house, but the weather's been ass, and hauling my body around has become a test in endurance.

I'm really looking forward to meeting my baby. I've always wanted to be a mother, minus about 3-4 years when I was a teenager after babysitting the worst kid ever. Great birth control, that experience.

But I envisioned briefly my baby's face and I think about the cuddling and the love. I think about the nursing throughout the night and diapers and potential for colic. I've been mentally preparing myself as best as possible for my new life, and mixed in there is fear of the unknown, nervousness about losing my independence and freedom, excitement about parenting and just basic joy. There's a readiness and desire for my life to be about more than me, despite my apprehensions.

This is without a doubt the deepest plunge and biggest leap of faith of my life. I really wish my mom were here for this.