So, the show is over, and I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to really get into it on here. Legal documents and all that jazz. I will say it was something I'll tell my kids and grandkids about one day. And my hair looked good. And the Dude has a face made for TV. Seriously, he is so beautiful to me, and I think in general as a human being.
I learned some things about myself, which I can talk about, because my feelings belong to me. I'm emotionally sensitive, to others, and about myself. I don't think I'm meant for media. I enjoy who I am, I like being myself, but I think I enjoy sharing that side of myself with those who know me for a reason.
People tell me I'm quirky or weird, and they try to box who I am. That I can't be mellow or traditional or conservative in certain ways. Or they get to know a more reserved side of me and are shocked when the quirk comes out.
I'm hard to get to know. I'm aware of this. I can be funny, and sometimes rely on that first, which doesn't really let people in. Other times I'm quiet and very reserved, if I'm unsure or nervous. I'm rarely who I am imediately. But for the show, I was. I was because for once I wanted to be out and open and not just with people who really love me.
The outcome had disappointments, yes. And there were things said which were sad to witness. But I came out feeling proud of myself, and who I am. I gained something. As much as I enjoy being me, I sometimes struggle with self loathing. I was picked on a lot as a kid, and as a teenager. More often than not, people just don't get me. I think that's perhaps where it comes from.
More than anything, I want to like myself. And I watched myself and saw for the first time myself through other's eyes in a way I never had before. And I was able to be proud of what I saw.
After the show, the Dude said to me, "I'm so proud you're my wife." And I cried.
I'm too sensitive for this sort of thing, but I didn't come out of it empty handed. I like myself a little more. I'm grateful.