Stay At Home Mom Validation

The rain is unending. Why even bother wash your hair so you can look presentable when you're not going to leave the house and enter into the soggy mess that is the outdoors? I mean, I like that I don't have to water my zucchini and everything, but I would like to make a trip out with Jack at some point.

I did get to see my friends yesterday. The McPal house threw a tea party and the four of us (Tea party regulars) enjoyed the decent weather in the backyard amongst scones, sandwiches and custard tarts. It was my first visit with friends without my baby. I didn't ache with missing him either. I needed the break and it was guilt-free. I have a wonderful group of friends and spending the afternoon with them was restorative.

When I got home, the Dude was full of validation and praise for how I spend my days. Though I was only gone a little over five hours, about half the time I have Jack on my own each day, he was exhausted. Child care, he realized first hand, is challenging and makes one very tired. It's easier to go to work. At least at work if you need to take five minutes and clear your head or eat a snack, you can. At his job there is a catered lunch and designed time to sit down and eat it. With a baby, just going to the bathroom has to wait.

I sort of suspected that, despite his positive hands-on attitude towards being a dad and his willingness to give the nightly bath and change diapers, he didn't really get it. He thought going to work could be as tiring as staying home with a baby, and I knew this to be false, as I've had a number of different jobs in my life and none compare. But now he understands. I really feel he does. And this improves my mood.

The Dude's attitude has also undergone a slight shift. He came home with a headache, took some Advil and spent time with his son and gave me my break. Before, I think he would have said he needed to lie down, not realizing I was in need of relief.

At the three month mark is when things are supposed to turn a corner and a baby is likely to be more predictable in a routine and easier to take out. I certainly hope so. I love my boy and I like being home, but even I have my limits.

Hermit Mom

I haven't left the house in four days.

I am not evening kidding.

The entire week it's been rainy and gross, and I can tell you that while going out in dreary weather is a bummer under normal circumstances, with a baby and a stroller you have to disassemble to get in and out of your home, it's a nonstarter. Why bother? It's dry in here and the temperature is stable. Out there is a recipe for a terrible experience.

So I'm spending day in and out in jammies, pumping my breasts (Which have begun to produce a little more lately. Score!) and trying to discern a routine. At this point I want to know what's going on rather than react to Jack's cries. I want to know right away what his damage is so I can address it.

And lo and behold, I think it's starting to happen. I've realized he takes three naps a day lasting from 45 minutes to two hours. He eats every three hours. He needs a change every 2-3 hours. He likes to spend time staring off at things, but he sends signals when he wants interaction. When he starts to grumble now, I can almost always guess what he wants. So, I don't think all this home time has been a waste. When I'm out I'm not observing him. When I'm home, I pay more attention to the details.

I've been thinking about the Dude's role in all this. He's been the sort of partner I need. I've heard so many stories about husbands not pulling their weight, not partaking in the childcare enough, not doing housework. The Dude isn't home enough to do a lot of childcare, but when he is, Jack gets quality dad time.

The Dude does the bath routine, which Jack loves. He changes diapers. If he has to get up earlier to do something for the baby, he does it. He does the dishes and makes dinner. He does the yard work. He cleans the cat litter. On the weekends he takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep in, and then does a big clean after I wake.

Babies can strain a marriage, but I think with the right partner, and being the right partner, two people can make it work. Of course, having a mellow baby really, really helps. Jack truly is the kind of baby I'd always hoped I'd have.

Look at that little face!

Urban Farming, Modern Life

The garden, she's growing! Growing! I posted a wee while ago about the garden and photographed the work we did planting it. Here be the update, yo.

The flowers are growing nicely!

The tomato plant is sprouting up. 

The bell pepper plant is growing taller and more robust.

The beans have sprouted!
We're going to lace them up the metal.

The initial leaves on this zucchini plant died and these larger ones grew instead.

The strawberry plants are now growing 17 strawberries.

Flowers have blossomed!

The Dude gave me a rosebush.
You can't see in this photo, but buds have formed.

We're pretty much in love with this garden. I spend the most amount of time on it, being the one who's home the most. It's relaxing, the plucking out of weeds, watering, and eventually harvesting. We planted garlic last spring that didn't grow and didn't die. It did develop tiny bulbs, which in my ignorance I never separated. So I gentled wrenched them away from each other and dispersed them around the soil and so maybe we'll also have home-grown garlic.

Speaking of gardens, two of our friends just moved into this lovely house on the east end, a stone's throw from McPal and his fiance, and their backyard was recently landscaped, something the McPal house is planning on as well. There's something magical about a private outdoor space in the city. You take it for granted in the burbs or in smaller municipalities, but in Toronto, it's rather rare and special. Now the six of us, in three households, have backyards for gardening, barbecues and general glee. Though of course we're not going to be doing any landscaping. This is, after all, a rental.

We all had a barbecue together at the new house. Two dogs were playing, meat was grilling, beer was being consumed and homemade cream soda was being concocted. Some of us are in our 30s already, and others are approaching it quickly (Me. ME!) and it was sort of wild to speculate that we were all adults, moving forward. Though in my mind I was also gently noticing some key differences. I'm a renter, not a home owner. A cat(s) owner, not a dog owner. A west-ender, not an east-ender. And funnily, three of the four all work at the same company. It was a strange sensation of feeling sort of out of the loop. Not sad or negative in any way, just a tickling in my mind, noticing these details.

We've been spending less and less time with our friends. This is mostly due to the Dude. His work schedule is crazy. He works 60 hours many weeks. Overnight trips are not infrequent. Weekend work happens. The money is nice, though sometimes those long nights are just par for the course on photo shoots and don't actually translate into more cash, only less energy. He'll come home exhausted, occasionally cranky, unwilling or unable to consider a social life. Sometimes I'll have one without him, other times I've missed him and I'll take his lethargic couch hugging over more time apart spent with others.

I'd say we're weathering some challenges. It's not the first time. After he graduated, the Dude took awhile to find steady work and that was also hard. He and I are communicating and doing our best, handling crankiness, trying to carve out room for each other, managing our obligations and still trying to have a social life. We're figuring it out and I think it's making us a stronger couple. I have one week left of vacation. I wish he was off too.

Name Game Changer

2011, where have you gone?

You know, it was a big year. The Dude and I spent it being engaged, planning a wedding (Well, I planned the wedding) and we had showers thrown for us. We moved downstairs to a bigger and better apartment, planted our first garden, and finally got some more grownup furniture. We adopted Sprinkles and Bea and they've really brightened up our lives. We had our wedding, which was obviously the highlight of the year, and over all I'd say the year was pretty damn good.

We also got more Christmas cards than ever before. I think probably we were fresh in people's minds due to the invitations and thank you cards, all containing our current address. Funny thing, I got many adressed to Mrs. Dude, and Mrs. Dude Duderson. My own name completely obliterated by his. Ah, such is life. I haven't changed my name, nor will I, but I have to accept that this information will be slow in making its way to people and many won't retain it in their memories. I get that even in the modern age, it's still less common to keep your name.

Facebook, though, is handy. My name appears correctly there and that will help, I'm sure. My email will also show up with my correct name, so as I email people, it will reinforce the knowledge. My family also seem quietly pleased I've kept my name. Probably they had already figured I would, as they all posed their question, "Are you keeping your name?" as opposed to, "Are you changing it?"

My own mother hyphenated her name back in the early '80s, when it was definitely rarer to do so. After my parents split up, she went back to her maiden name and still had to endure people calling her Mrs. Berri from people who knew her through my brother or I. I could see it bugged her, but she never made a federal case out of it. When you choose what's right for you and that happens to go against social convention, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches with some grace.

I sometimes wonder about children. Again, I think we're going to be planning for parenthood, but until we're 100% onboard with it, I'm not thinking so concretely. But everyone will expect them to be Dudes, not Berris. I'd love to pass on my name. I love the idea of daughters being Berris and sons being Dudes. Why not?

Well, I know why not. Everyone we know will give us grief. Well, no, not everyone. All our friends would understand if we made this choice. But I think our families would be perplexed. And people on the outside would assume a child with my last name would not biologically belong to the Dude. And if we had one of each, we'd appear as a blended family and have to field questions and assumptions all the time. So what would be right for me as a mother would be so socially unconventional it might not even be worth my while for all the hassle it would cause.

The Dude sometimes likes to joke with people that he's taken my last name instead, and it actually shocks people. Rather than chuckling or asking, "Oh, really?" he gets a, "What?!" So deeply ingrained is it that a man's identity belongs to him and a woman's is tied to her family, and the family she belongs to is her husband's.

I wish we lived in a world that respected choice a little more. We can legally make any family name changes we wish. But that doesn't mean the greater world out there will be supportive or understanding. So as it is, keeping my own name may be as far as I go.

T-minus Two Months

And the beat goes on. Less than two months to go till I'm wed. To be perfectly frank, it's kind of blowing my mind. I mean, yeah, we already live together. We combined our finances months ago and it's been a success. We got cats together. We've moved together many times. In many ways we're already an established couple, so what's going to change?

The fact that it's permanent. Being common law means that when you part ways, you each take what you brought in and go. Some people think it's the same as marriage, but legally it's not. The law doesn't force you to take on the obligations of a commitment you haven't formally made. You also don't have all the same protections. It's different in that way.

It's also different in the way others view your relationship. Before it wouldn't be unheard of for our respective family members to assume it'd be natural for us to travel separately or consider we'd be fine with being apart on the holidays. Now since our engagement it's understood we stick together.

A breakup wouldn't be a breakup. It'd be a divorce. We're not just thinking about the next couple years, we're thinking about the rest of our lives. There's no potential dating or romance prospects on the horizon. It's all about nurturing this relationship until we die. This is the one person in the whole world that I'll rely on above all others. This is my lifetime go-to person for companionship, comfort and planning my future. And I'll be his.

It's a definitive end to an era of my life and I'm increasingly floored by it. I'm not getting cold feet or the like, but I'm really taking it in. It's the most serious commitment I've ever made. Picking a college and a program was something, but it just required a few years of my time. Choosing apartments has always been temporary. Getting kitties is about a 15-year commitment, give or take. The only thing that would be a bigger life choice than marriage is having children. Even if you change your mind on that one or it's not working out, tough beans.

When I was a girl, I thought I would marry around 25 and be a mother at 28. Now I'll be nearly 29 when I marry and who knows when I'll have kids. I'd like it give it at least a little time after marriage to get on that.

Seems to me a lot of people don't take having kids as seriously as they do getting married. I get when people can't afford a great wedding, they want a great wedding and they figure they'll wait and save up and have children in the meantime. Not my personal choice, but I don't have a problem with it. It's one road to Rome. But there are others who will have a child with someone and then want to live together and will fret over whether to risk marriage with this person when marriage is the lesser commitment next to parenthood.

Marriage used to be the first step in a life together. Now it's nearly the last. People want to be financially secure first, buy their home, rather than start with nothing together and then begin to build wealth, like our grandparents did. Of course our grandparents were expected to remain chaste till marriage, so waiting till later wasn't very palatable. Without that requirement in society anymore, people are more concerned with having the wedding they want. I guess it's the sign of a more affluent society.

For the Dude and I, it's sort of middle ground between the two. We're not financially secure yet, but by getting married, we'll save and build together rather than separately. But it hasn't been the first step. We've already been living together.

The Dude had this idea about being more stable prior to marriage, but it's really hard to live with someone and juggle bills while keeping finances separate and doing it in the name of a boyfriend instead of a husband, where your investment of time and effort is not necessarily going into a permanent shared household, but essentially just another person as there is no formal link between the two of you.

I really am happily anticipating the stability of marriage. Things feel secure now, but really that feeling only really came into being around the time we got engaged. I'm a planner and now we can really get planning: vacations, a house, children, the Dude's business, life in general. It's a final decision about our relationship: we're keeping it. Done looking.

I suppose I'm just musing. It's not just the wedding I've been planning. Lots of talk and discussion has been going into the planning of the marriage.

Time line

I've been working with a graphic designer from my uncle's print shop and have zeroed in on the invites. We've been emailing back and forth a bit discussing various small changes and I think we've come to a close. They're pretty much something I would make myself if I had the mad skillz. Everything I make tends to be cute or quaint looking. I'm not edgy or alternative or formal or trendy or frilly.

I'm kind of excited to post them, which I'll do once I have sent them out in the mail. I should have them in hand by August, and out by September.

I'm sort of in the swing of planning, and I'm so far in and so close yet so far that wedding planning has become a sort of sub-lifestyle for me. It's on my mind frequently, as it requires decision-making, appointments, labour and monetary investment, not to mention ideas and creative ones at that to make it fun and affordable.

That said, I'll be much pleased when it's all done and I can re-focus my energies on other things. It'll be nice to not have to block off our income in large chunks for an event. Instead we'll be saving for things like vacations or a house.

And I've been giving home ownership a lot of thought lately. It's the dream for most people. It kind of says "I've made it." And indeed in many ways it does say that. And people invest instead in an asset rather than spending on rent, and they can decorate willy nilly. These things are lovely.

But the more I consider what the Dude and I plan to do and our needs, the more I see we simply can't buy a house until he's a photographer. Not just because we need to buy him equipment and secure him regular studio space, but we can't take the same risks if we're homeowners. We'd have too much to lose. The Dude can't be too tied down by property ownership, not if he's going to embark on a career based entirely on getting clients. Until he develops as a successful photographer, saving up and having regular mortgage/utility/maintenance/insurance/tax costs on hand for a home the size we'd need will be unrealistic for us.

So home ownership is likely five-plus years away, if not more. A number of my friends own property now: my maid of honour, some friends north of the city, and now McPal and his fiance. I also have a friend in Ottawa with two properties. But I can reconcile our differing time lines. I'm happy for friends' milestones and accomplishments. I just also try to remind myself just why we're waiting, and that not everyone needs to do things at the same pace.

As it stands, we're likely going to start a family well in advance of having our own house. And that in itself is kind of exciting. But first thing's first, of course. Gotta get hitched.

The Merge

The Dude and I have merged our finances. It just got to a point where it was simply easier.

He's the sort of guy who's more impulsive, likes to spend his money on what I like to call "bubblegum and baseball cards". You know, juvenile foolishness like snacks and figurines and stuff like that. Not that I don't like to spend money on frivolous things, myself, I just happen to be able to say no to things easier and keep in mind my monthly bills, obligations and such. He'll see a few hundred dollars in his account and not think about his future needs.

So now our rent, utilities, cell phones, the Dude's student loan, kitten expenses, food and entertainment all get handled by me with money that we're both putting into one pot. I'll also be able to delegate wedding expenses, savings and the Dude's tax savings (Being freelance, he's got to pay his income taxes all in one go come tax time).

It's a lot of extra work, but I don't care. We'll save more money, I'll be able to manage our long-term plans and we're no longer keeping tabs on who owes the other how much. It's more loving and romantic. And since the Dude needs to be able to blow some cash on his nonsense but doesn't trust himself with large sums, he requested an allowance of sorts. So that's what we're doing.

I personally couldn't handle being on his end, having him manage the money (Probably because it's not his forte), but he's a happy camper, being able to finally not worry about money at all. All he has to do is deposit his cheque and then the rent gets paid, the internet and TV stay on, his cell and student loan get paid, there's always enough for groceries and TTC tokens, we go out to dinners and movies, and he can still spend his own cash without any issues.

I'm not really on a budgeted allowance, myself. In the past, because I was making more reliable money, I'd handle dinners out, movies and little extras. I'd also then get myself things for my own happiness. In the end, the Dude was blowing more of his money on the nonsense, I was taking us out and I was feeling free to buy myself all sorts of loveliness.

Now I'm going to be more restrained because I'm managing our money, not just mine, and from our money I need to also bump up our savings and pay for a wedding.

I never thought I'd feel this way, but honestly, if we want to meet our goals for the future, I don't see a better alternative. Not having the full weight of my personal income to use at my leisure is a loss, yes. But it's a minor loss. I'm not troubled by it and I don't feel the lack of independence I thought I'd feel. I actually feel closer to the Dude. I feel like instead of trying to balance and juggle two separate budgets, I'm now bringing us together. It's not been long at all, but the change in attitude between us has shifted in a positive way.

Tangible

I was reflecting last night while I was on the way to a Simpson's Trivia event. I was thinking about my early 20s. The first thing I thought of was, Wow, I had no responsibilities. And that's not even entirely true. I had to go to work, pay my bills and provide for my cats. And it's not as though now I'm overloaded, not at all.

But I really was freer then. I didn't have any long-term goals to save for, so I spent what I made, which wasn't much. I left town for the weekend rather often compared to now. I travelled more frequently. I checked in with nobody and had only myself and my own needs to consider.

And it's not as though I'm overly burdened now with obligations. I tried to think of how my life was different now at 28 than it was when I was 23. The biggest difference I guess was that I was newly single then and hung out a lot with my girlfriends and we'd have drinks. I was also living alone and right downtown.

But fundamentally, the biggest difference is the Dude. We live together in such as way now that there are aspects of my life I no longer even think about because he takes care of them. On the other side of the coin, there are areas of concern (for two) that now fall entirely on me. We've developed a reliance on each other to make our lives function properly. If one of us is remiss, our quality of life goes down.

And not long ago I was hit by the magnitude of that attachment and what getting married means. It will mean that we choose to take this mutual reliance on each other further, that we're going to be a joint unit in life, that our lives no longer belong exclusively to us as individuals, but to each other.

My responsibilities haven't changed all that much except in this one major regard. I'm now taking on the responsibility of being a permanent partner in life to another person. I can no longer think about only myself again. And any investment of time or effort into the Dude's career on my part will become not resources taken from me, but resources put towards us. Our future will be tangibly linked.

As startling a personal revelation that was for me, and while it really made me think about the importance of this decision, I also felt good about it. Living together has taught me a lot, but thinking about actual marriage made me realize the two aren't the same, at least not to me.

I'm looking forward to cementing our relationship. We'll have been together around five years at that point. Absolutely wild.